Roses are red, Late fees are due. The Curse Of The Parking Ticket Holly Circuit Breaker The Ex Files The Story Of How Brandon Phillips, Super Genius, Got Hitched The Bitchy One The Metalman 
"Hollywood"
By Geoff Tyson
October 30, 2008
Geoff Tyson was a student of Joe Satriani and was one of only two students Satriani has said 'Graduated' from his lessons (the other being Steve Vai). His previous band, T-Ride toured the world
supporting Ugly Kidd Joe, Joe Satriani, White Zombie, Tora Tora and Asphalt Ballet.
Geoff went on to perform and record with Snake River Conspiracy (Reprise 1999) and Stimulator (Lab/Universal 2006) and toured the world supporting Filter, Monster Magnet, Queens Of The Stone Age, Duran Duran, The Go Go's, A Perfect Circle and on The Warped Tour.
He now lives in Prague where he is running his new production facility. He is always interested in new musical project collaborations.
I was out at a bar one night when I hear a young lady crying near the restrooms. I saw her there speaking on the phone with her soon-to-be ex boyfriend. I bought her a beer and we started talking about her situation. Her boyfriend just could not understand her and he was a bad guy and he had been lying to her and taking advantage of her blah blah blah…
Conversation moved to the usual small talk. What is your name, where do you live, where are you from, what do you do?
Her response was “Tina, North Hollywood, Atlanta and hardcore, mostly.”
“Hardcore?” I responded. “Porn?”
“Yes mostly, but I’m also part of an adult reality TV show pilot.”
Now, I have known and dated my share of porn stars in my time. They have been some of my favorite people in Hollywood. But each of them had some emotional volatility that would take time to come out. Not to prejudge her in any way, but I knew a storm was coming. But I knew that the benefits of befriending a porn star usually out-weigh the liabilities, so we exchanged numbers and went on our way.
We spoke occasionally on the phone while my band was touring the USA. She was a really sweet girl, friendly and engaging, without a trace of pretense. Our plan was to connect as soon as my band returned to California for our gig at the Roxy. We would meet early in the day and go out for a proper date.
Eventually the date arrived and we met at a pub near my house in Hollywood. She wanted to bring her big German Shepard dog along which was fine with me. We hung out for a few hours in the afternoon and got acquainted.
She was beautiful, funny and sweet. And apparently, she was already quite drunk when she arrived. The can of Pabst Blue Ribbon that fell out of her sleeve was the first sign. Apparently, she had stocked up before she came to meet me and had every pocket in her jacket filled with them. I’m a magnet for classy ladies.
Regardless, I soon caught up with her and we were having a great time together. And boy could this girl drink. I have never seen anyone who had so many Jaegermeister shots in such a short time without falling down and puking. I guess practice makes perfect.
We decided to go back to my house and smoke a joint and listen to music before heading out to my gig. She was a big fan of A Perfect Circle and since my band had toured with them, she was curious to hear my CD. So we took the dog, stuck him in the kitchen with some water and rocked out in the living room.
We smoked some of my medicinal weed from my wooden pipe and before long, talk of sex and threesomes and foursomes and all her beautiful porn star girlfriends that she wanted me to meet dominated the conversation. Apparently, commercial porn was really just an extension of her normal lifestyle. Cameras were not necessary. She was pornographic without any impetus. Her musings were cut short when she pulled off my pants and started sucking my cock. Never speak with your mouth full, my mother used to say. Crazy porn star sex ensued and all was good with the world.
So then we left my flat and headed to the Roxy for stage time. My band played a great show and afterwards, I introduced Tina around to some of my more conservative friends and she insisted on teaching them all how to pole dance. She was still pounding the Jaegermeister shots like no one I had ever seen. When my bar tab arrived, I was stunned that she had spent close to $200 on booze.
Eventually the club closed and we got a taxi back to my hood. And that is when all things went bad.
Out of nowhere, she started screaming at me, insisting that I had made her smoke crack cocaine and that I had tricked her and that my plan was to take advantage of her. Crack cocaine? You’ve got to be kidding me. Of course I denied everything. Can you smoke crack out of a wooden pipe, I wondered? I explained that I had never smoked cocaine in my life because I have a heart problem and it would kill me but this meant nothing to her.
The taxi driver was not impressed with any this. This girl was drunk and LOUD and she was punching the seats and the window. He did not know which one of us to believe and was about to intervene. She was screaming more than listening and things were quickly getting out of hand. She pulled out her mobile phone and started dialing the police and big ugly bouncer friends and anyone who would listen and come to her aid. This is going to get worse before it gets better, I thought. And I knew I had to act fast.
As the taxi approached my flat, she insisted that I drive her home and meet her roommate and explain to him why I tricked her into smoking crack. I was too drunk to drive and had no interest in defending myself for something this inane. So I got out of the cab, turned to the driver, slipped him another $20 and asked him to take her home. He was off! All was good!
But then as I entered my apartment, I came face to face with the big ass German Shepard.
“Oh, yea!” I thought. “She left her dog here. Hmmm…”
So I called her mobile and endured another round of drunken, slurring, blather about what an asshole motherfucker I was. Not an asshole, I explained, just limited patience for bullshit. And it turns out that she wasn’t even angry about the possibility of secret cocaine. What really set her off was that she wasn’t going to have rock star/porn star sex tonight as she had planned. That was the last straw for her. I was pure concentrated evil to her at that point.
So I sat in the kitchen feeding the dog cheese and getting my face licked until she could convince some guy in a beat up old Toyota to swing by my place and pick up the pup. He finally got to my house by 4 am. We chatted for a second outside as the pup jumped into the back seat. Then, out of nowhere, he asked me if I wanted to buy some cocaine.
“You’re a coke dealer?” I asked.
“Yes but I also help out around on the porn shoots too. I’ll take the dog back to Tina’s house. I was going over there to make a sale anyways.”
“Motherfucker!” I thought. What was the point of this whole evening?
As the white smoke bellowed from his car as it drove away, the pup stuck his head out the window and I had a good laugh. Soon this guy would be hearing the same cries that had drawn me to her that first night we met. There would be more porn star sex, crack pipes and drunken wildness in an endless circle of chaotic volatility. Now I could really understand the genius of a porn star reality TV show. You just can’t make this stuff up.
And the really funny thing is that this is just another typical date, Hollywood style.
